-You eat hot pot? -I love eating hot pot.
You must have very strong teeth!
You eat what goes inside? You should've said so.
I thought you ate the pot itself.
Of course I don't. I eat what goes inside.
-What do you put in hot pot? -There are many famous recipes.
Really?
-The most popular is chicken. -Chicken?
...they arrived at the beach.
The turtle is crying because he has to say goodbye.
-Thank you slimy much. -Thank you slimy much?
He talks a lot for a turtle.
Now he's all alone at the beach.
Nobody's looking.
The princess told you not to open the box!
He opened it!
You'll turn into an old man!
You became me?! Thank you.
-Sparks, it's time. -Thank you.
We warmed them up perfectly for your last show.
Yeah, right.
-We only heard nervous laughter. -They nearly wet themselves.
Big bro...
Hello!
-Hello! -Hello.
Thank you.
We have a packed house.
How nice of everyone to come.
-Thank you. -We sure are grateful.
Let's do our trademark gag together.
Ready?
-You've never done that before.
Never!
"Trademark"?
Why did you make a squid shape? It has nothing to do with us.
-But she joined in. -Why?!
She's quick. Wow.
More importantly, Yamashita. Which act should we do today?
Don't ask me now. Ask me backstage.
We have 100 acts to choose from. Which shall we do?
We're not backstage anymore. You should have decided beforehand.
Let's start with "Supermarket" and finish with "House Hunting."
The details?!
Are you sharing the details with everyone?
That's not a good idea.
-Can I say something? -What?
I had a goal.
I wanted to revolutionize manzai. I wanted to blow people away.
-Yep. -But in the end...
I got blown away.
I discovered that hard work doesn't pay off.
Poor you!
That's so sad.
All that hard work...
You'll make us cry.
Stop trying to make us cry! Snap out of it.
Sometimes I get so emotional, it's hard to put my feelings into words.
I know what you mean.
When that happens, you should tell people this:
"I'm going to say the opposite of how I feel."
That means you can yell out the exact opposite
and people will understand your true feelings.
Why do you always make things so complicated?
Try it. You'll see.
-Everything is the opposite? Okay. -Here I go.
-Yamashita! -What?
You're really good at manzai!
That sounded nice, but you mean the opposite!
You never stutter.
You look good. Sound good. Your family is rich, too.
-You're the best partner ever! -You're trashing me!
Genius!
Stop it!
You're trashing me.
You're trashing me at the very end.
But there's more to Yamashita.
-I mean "atihsamaY." -Don't say "Yamashita" backwards.
Even though you're such a genius,
you have a few flaws.
I have few of them? Tell me.
-Your room is messy. -There wasn't anything better?
-You're stiff. -I am flexible.
That's the best you can do?
You're a slow-eating small-eater.
I eat lots and I do it quick.
I love seconds, too.
-You... like... food?
I sound like an idiot.
Say something better.
And don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
And you can't touch dogs.
I can touch dogs.
Most people can. That's nothing special.
He really, really can't touch dogs.
I really, really can touch dogs.
That is nothing special!
He can't touch dogs so much, the police didn't come.
I touched dogs so much, the police came.
No, they didn't.
"There's a guy who keeps touching dogs..."
Don't tell the cops I touch dogs too much.
You know me. Say something nice.
He lacks a sex drive.
Snap out of it.
You know. Tell them nice stuff about me.
He really lacks a sex drive.
I have a really strong... Hey!
Something else!
He lacks a sex drive so much, the police didn't--
Enough with the sex drive!
"He's not moving--"
Don't call the cops!
"But his sex drive--"
Why do you always call the cops? Snap out of it.
There are better things you could say about me.
-His girlfriend is ugly. -She's cute...
That's not about me! She is cute.
She never does anything for you.
She's not kind. She's the worst woman ever!
She is beautiful.
And when your twins are born, they'll be ugly, too.
They're gonna be super cute.
And your partner is amazingly talented.
Don't say that.
He is amazingly talented.
Your partner is a genius.
But for the past 10 years,
all you ever did was complain.
You didn't trust him at all!
Don't say that!
We were together for the past 10 years,
but I didn't enjoy it at all!
It was so not fun.
I didn't enjoy doing manzai with you.
I am...
I'm the unluckiest guy in the world!
And you!
You guys!
You are so smart.
You found a duo so famous, with such a bright future.
You didn't pay a thing to see their shows!
You are so smart!
It's thanks to you...
we were in pain, every day!
Assholes!
He means the opposite.
I had a dream.
Ever since I was a kid.
I didn't want to be a manzai artist.
I swore I'd never become a manzai artist!
But what happened?
I met my partner back in elementary school.
And I became a manzai artist!
My life sucks!
It's all his fault.
I died.
It's like this guy killed me!
-Right, murderer? -Tone it down.
Tone it down.
Every now and then,
people would say we were really good.
That made me so happy.
It was like...
They gave me so much joy.
It was like they were saying "yes" to my entire life.
They would make me so happy.
I was so happy.
But!
Some people came and ruined it.
You guys!
I hate you!
I hate you all!
Damn you!
"Sparks is shit!"
"I never want to see them again!" That's what you said.
You said "no" to our whole lives.
That pissed me off so much.
I was so pissed off.
I hate you.
I hate you!
I hate you all!
Hate!
We'll always be Sparks!
Today isn't the last day we'll ever do manzai!
We'll see you like this, every day, forever!
That makes me so very happy!
These past 10 years won't help me live on!
And so!
I beg you all!
Go die somewhere!
Die!
Die! Die! Die!
Die...
Die!
Die...
Die.
Die! Die! Die!
Die!
You, too! Die!
Die alone, away from your family!
I hope everyone in your family dies!
Be miserable!
Be the most miserable guy I know!
Shut up already!
Shut up!
How abusive can you get?
What is this manzai?
You made the audience cry.
You made me cry way before them.
You're supposed to make people laugh with manzai.
What is this?!
This manzai is so wrong.
So, we finally did it.
We made a revolution in manzai.
Shut up. What a mouth.
Don't you have something to say?
Huh?
It's our last manzai.
Don't you have anything to say?!
Partner...
Our audience...
I'd like to say...
I owe you nothing at all!
You asshole--
I meant the opposite.
I was talking in opposites. You knew what I meant.
They all knew.
I only know one thing.
What do you know?
You're really good at manzai.
I've had enough. Thank you.
HIBANA - Spark -
That's too high.
That's too high, too.
It's all done.
Toku-chan...
I'm sorry.
What for?
I'm looking forward to seeing your kids.
Thanks.
We're out.
Bye.
Look after yourself.
Bye.
It's a waste for you to quit, too.
I'm sorry.
Your decision's made?
Yes.
What are you gonna do?
Our boss hooked me up with a job at a real estate agency.
I see.
Tokunaga...
Yes?
In my opinion...
there's no such thing as retirement for comedians.
Sometimes I wonder:
"If I was the only manzai artist in the world,
would I have tried this hard?"
We were surrounded by so many amazing people.
They forced us to do something different, or pick up from where they left off.
Thanks to those people, we were forced to think.
In the end, it's like we all worked together.
But amongst those people, there's a clear difference between
those who make it big, and those who don't.
It's a gigantic competition.
There are winners and losers.
That's what makes it fun.
But, Tokunaga...
Those who get weeded out...
they have a purpose, too!
Everyone who's ever been on stage...
they needed to be there.
The manzai of the future...
we've been a part of it.
You did it.
For 10 years.
You thought about funny things all that time.
On top of that, you kept going on stage.
You made people laugh.
There were times when nobody laughed.
Sometimes.
But you made people laugh all that time.
What does that mean?
You've given yourself an amazing specialized ability.
Like a boxer's punch.
A boxer?
Even boxers that aren't famous can kill people easily.
Same with comedians.
The only difference is:
The more comedians punch, the more we make people happy.
So...
even if you quit...
Even if you make a living doing some other job...
keep punching the hell out of people.
Nobody else has a punch like you.
Thank you.
SOWA REAL ESTATE
-I'm back. -Hi.
Nice timing.
We've got customers.
They want to see the property.
Can you handle it?
Sure.
The 40,000 place. Nothing special.
Can you believe that guy with short hair?
"Is your budget around 80,000?"
This way.
It's rusty.
It's so old.
It is a little old, but it's quite spacious for the price.
Take a look around.
Thank you.
Wow.
Hey!
Look!
It's a "knee-bending latrine"!
It's just an old squat toilet.
You can exercise while you crap. How cool!
I don't exercise when I crap.
I can crap in the middle of any exercise.
If you miss your target, it will be a disaster.
We are...
We want to be comedians.
If we find a place, we'll come to Tokyo.
-I see. -Yeah.
Is it okay to practice manzai here?
You might have to keep it down.
I think it would be better to practice outside.
Outside?!
Keep it down!
-He just told you. -Sorry.
If you're going to be comedians, I do recommend this place.
-Why? -Well...
Nearby, you have Wadabori Park. It's really big.
A park?
You can practice your acts without worrying there.
You seem to know a lot about comedians.
Are you a big fan?
No, not really.
We'll definitely make it big! Root for us!
Keep it down!
-You're not the straight man. -Sorry.
Welcome.
Hey. Over here.
-Sorry I'm late. -Long time no see.
Look at you.
It's been ages.
-Coffee. -Sure thing.
You're working properly.
You're an adult.
Why did you call me?
Well, you see...
I wondered if you knew where he went.
Who's "he"? Do you mean your faithful dog?
Dog?
What? You're not wearing a yukata?
I'm not Saigo Takamori.
-Your shoes... -Stop kidding around.
I look nothing like the Last Samurai. Stop messing with me.
This is serious.
Welcome.
Kamiya has...
No way!
What?
For real? Next to us?
-Right next to us? -What is it?
Why sit next to us?
Mr. Kamiya?
Yeah. It's him.
It's all his fault.
He stopped coming to work and I can't contact him.
-What about his apartment? -He's long gone.
He's done a runner.
His debt...
It's about 10 million yen.
Give me a break.
There are lots of rumors.
Some say he's working on a long-distance fishing boat.
Others say he joined the homosexual porn industry.
It's too much.
Why do I have to go through this?
I don't even know if he's alive.
Someone found his sandal in Tokyo Bay. Sounds like My Neighbor Totoro.
Wait up.
I'm out.
Can you pay?
Sorry.
See ya. I'll call again.
This horse won.
Cash in the ticket.
Hey!
Hey, you!
-Come here! -Give me a break!
Let me go!
It's Kamiya you want. Chase him!
TOKYO RACECOURSE NO. 11 - ¥10,000
Mr. Shibata.
Can I borrow the car?
-Thanks. -Drive carefully.
Sure.
KICHIJOJI STATION
I fixed it.
The trick to love is:
You need to be both honest and deceitful.
Otherwise, it's lukewarm. Right?
Give me a round of applause. Ready, go.
Look at the balloon!
Ahondara. (Boofhead.)
That child will become the happiest kid on Earth.
No matter who says what...
Maki's life is beautiful.
I felt really happy.
Hello.
Welcome.
Long time no see.
I've been busy with work.
You wear that suit well now.
So, please...
-For me? -No, your daughter.
I don't know if she'll like it.
Thank you.
What would you like?
Coffee.
Coffee it is.
One more.
INCOMING CALL NUMBER WITHHELD
Hello?
Welcome.
-I have someone waiting for me. -Go ahead.
Hello.
Drink up.
Today I went to the agency and apologized.
But they won't have me.
Of course they won't.
My debt grew too big.
I had no other choice.
I went back to Osaka. Ran around. Made some money.
Did you pay everyone back?
In the end, I filed for bankruptcy.
I gave what I could to the more dangerous guys.
What are they?
F-cup boobs.
What are you doing?
If you're gonna have breasts, the bigger, the funnier.
I put in heaps of silicone.
You see...
I was always against creating a persona.
But I had it wrong.
If you're not funnier than your persona, that's your fault.
No.
It won't work.
All I see are your breasts.
Why?!
It's funny!
I'm gonna take these on TV.
No, you won't.
Who would laugh at a middle-aged man's big breasts?
When I did it...
I thought it was so funny.
I kept laughing to myself.
But...
I went to see my only friend at the agency.
When I told him I wanted to be on TV with these...
he freaked out.
And then...
I started thinking...
All of a sudden...
I got scared.
What are you doing?
I messed things up beyond repair.
Now I'm scared.
But...
I thought...
I thought you would laugh.
It's not funny.
Tokunaga.
What should I do?
I can't be on TV with these, right?
Mr. Kamiya.
You know what?
I think...
I know you didn't mean any harm.
"If a middle-aged man had big breasts, that would be funny."
I think that's all you were thinking.
However...
society has problems.
Problems regarding sex.
Problems regarding people's attitudes towards gender.
There are many people out there suffering.
What about them?
What would they think if they saw you like this?
They would be offended.
They would, right?
Even though that wasn't your intention.
The people who are suffering...
and their families...
their friends...
These people exist.
They don't know you.
If they saw you...
they might think you're a weirdo making fun of them.
Tokunaga!
Stop telling me this.
I know.
I really am an idiot.
What should I do?
You thought giving a man big breasts would be funny,
but there are problems regarding gender.
I know they are two different things...
but people won't realize the difference.
What you've done, Mr. Kamiya...
It is unacceptable.
I'm sorry.
I just...
You see...
for so many years...
you're the only one who said I was funny.
That's why.
I wanted to make everyone else say I was funny, too.
But...
I didn't know how to do it.
And then...
before I knew it...
I had big tits.
And now
I really regret it.
I truly am sorry!
What...
What the hell?!
What the hell!
Tokunaga...
I'm sorry we can't go to the public bath together.
Which should I go in?
The men's, of course.
But...
-Your hook will be perfect with this. -Hey. Stop it.
But...
if I go in the bath, won't everyone panic?
I would hate to trouble anyone.
You're a genius at giving people trouble.
The next fireworks are Atami City's specialty:
"The Digital Star Mine."
This is life.
Now for our "Message Fireworks":
To Koji, from Yoko.
"This year is our 25th anniversary.
I hope we get a lot older together.
Thanks for everything."
Now for our next message:
From Kentaro Koyama, to Chie Yoshihara.
"Chie-chan. Thanks for everything.
Let's get married."
Thank you.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Fireworks, huh?
They belong to people who live positive, decent lives.
Our next fireworks will be full of color and emotion.
Please enjoy the beautiful flashes across the night sky.
Shall we go back?
Yeah.
Here you go.
Eat up.
You haven't changed a bit.
We came here 10 years ago.
Do you remember us?
Oh, really...
Here on holiday?
I'm a local god.
Something's not right.
That cracked her up 10 years ago.
-It did? -Yeah, you remember.
If you say so.
Number 82!
Here you go.
What does that mean?
There's no meaning.
Eight and two?
Your birthday isn't August 2nd...
In Japanese baccarat, 8 and 2 make a "pig."
The crappiest hand.
But...
you get to draw one more card, right?
That's right. You can draw three cards.
Yep.
Things can't get worse if you have "pig."
Draw one more card!
One more, little lady.
-A highball for the god. -Coming up!
I'll take a leak.
AMATEUR COMEDY CONTEST WIN 100,000 YEN
Hey, Tokunaga...
The shit has hit the fan.
What is it?
There's a contest tomorrow.
There is.
Let's do it.
Let's compete!
Why not?
We're virtually amateurs.
No way.
And the deadline's already expired.
It'll be fine. Let's do it.
No way.
Okay. I'll think of a routine now.
Okay?
It's my mission, as a local god.
You're still going with that setting?
Okay?
Please. I'm begging you!
Sorry.
Okay.
Come on. Go for it.
-You can touch them. -Put them away.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Go for it.
-Why are your nipples stiff? -Because you touched them.
Ow ow ow!
That hurt.
-This will definitely crack 'em up. -Do you have diarrhea?
-All right. -Welcome back.
-This'll be funny. -I'm not doing it.
Why not? Don't be so hardheaded.
-We're gonna compete. -Enough already.
We don't have to win.
Welcome back.
Can we rent these CDs for free?
Yes, it's a complimentary service.
Let's take something.
Would you have any Sex Pistols or The Clash albums?
Please let me check.
-That's not your type of music. -Idiot.
I listen to punk music all the time lately.
I'm sorry.
They're all checked out.
Be careful.
I think you have another lover of punk amongst your guests.
I'm going up to the room.
I'll make our manzai.
Above Kamiya's head,
a full moon hangs calmly.
The beautiful scene is a peaceful miracle.
Above Kamiya's head,
a full moon hangs calmly.
The beautiful scene is
a peaceful miracle.
The Drum-Drum Man.
The Bright-Red-Hat Man.
Dragon, wake up. With the sound of the drum.
The Drum-Drum Man.
The Bright-Red-Hat Man.
Dragon, wake up. With the sound of the drum.
The Drum-Drum Man.
The Bright-Red-Hat Man.
Dragon, wake up! With the sound of the drum!
The Drum-Drum Man!
The Bright-Red-Hat Man!
Dragon, wake up! With the sound of the drum!
Tokunaga!
Mr. Kamiya is here.
He exists.
His heart beats.
He breathes.
He is here.
Mr. Kamiya...
He lives with all his heart and soul.
As long as he's alive...
there will be no bad end.
We still have a lot to do.
KAMIYA'S BIOGRAPHY VOL. 10 DECEMBER, 2010 -